Review #14: Big Brain Academy

Cool, two non-platformer reviews in a row!

The DS's touch screen has been heavily used in some games, not so much in others. Sometimes the stylus is a necessity, other times the bottom screen is just there.

There's just a little overview of Nintendo's current handheld for you there.

Another thing about the DS is the abundance of edutainment games. But don't expect anything like "Mario is Missing", this game is fun for all ages, and you'll get something more out of it than the other games I've reviewed on the blog so far.

Okay, looks like it's time for categorization...

Graphics: Pretty good, but they're kinda just there, and there's nothing really special about them. Typical for an new-generation edutainment game for handheld. Graphics get: 8/10.

Sound: Once again, it's nothing special, but nothing grating either. Sound gets: 8/10.

Story: Uh, you decide to go to this school to find out how big your brain is??? Okay, so there's no story. I'll skip this...

Gameplay: You create your own file, and you can do one of two things: take the test, or train for it. The test features one of four mini-games from each of four or five categories, including Math, Spelling, etc. When you finish, the professor guy tells you how you did, by weight. In Brain Age, they measured how old your brain was; in BBA, they measure how heavy it is. You could get 10 to 400 pounds, and maybe even higher, depending on how you did. Overall, not entirely original, considering the idea kinda copies Brain Age, but that was actually more like a daily appointment, but I don't remember this game keeping track of what time you last played. Also, the mini-games are more colorful than those in BA. Gameplay gets: 10/10.

Controls: Like yesterday's "Sling", the stylus is hard to mess up, so no problems here. Controls get: 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

8+8+10+10= 36. 36/4 = 9/10.

Verdict: If you don't already have Brain Age, try this one out.

Review #13: Sling

Yep, it's another online game, AND it's not a platformer!

In fact, this game almost deserves it's own genre, even though it currently sits in the "puzzle" category.

So, once again, with utter lack of nothing more to say, it's categorization time!

Graphics: Beyond the title screen, pretty much everything in the game is 2-D graphics. But they're good anyway. Graphics get: 10/10.

Sound: They call me a slacker for a reason you know...

Story: All right, let's see, while not as ridiculous as yesterday's game story (no overly-long, overly-hypenated names), this story still can hold the rest of the game up. It takes place in this world inhabited by slimes that can cling onto poles and that kind of stuff. You're this old guy's "apprentice", and you're learning about this power source, which has 8 elements: goo, space, fire, ice, and four other ones I can't remember. With ONE element missing, things get ugly. This he tells you as a bunch of aliens come in and steal the goo element, sending the world into chaos. You are sent out to go defeat those aliens and retrieve that element! There are also some funny cutscenes with the old guy being lazy watching TV or wondering how his apprentice is doing. Story gets: 10/10.

Gameplay: This is one of the best concepts for an online game ever conceived. You have to slingshot yourself from post to post, sliming every one, so that a portal appears to go to the next level. Slingshotting the little guy around is simple, you just drag him around and an angled line will appear, showing you where he'd end up flying if you let go. You go on doing this for 50 levels, but there are a bunch of obstacles added in later levels, such as enemies, and fake poles that inflate until they explode. There's also a bonus if you can make it in a certain time limit, but if you don't, you still pass the level. Gameplay gets: 10/10.

Controls: Considering it's just the mouse, you'd have to try very hard to mess up the controls. But the people did a fine job here. Controls get: 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

ALL TENS! SLING GETS A 10/10!

Verdict: This is the second game to get a perfect 10 on my blog, after Dr. Mario, and like DM, it's well deserving of it's flawless score. Play it now.

Review #12: Earthworm Jim

Remember this game? No? Well, that's not too big a surprise, as this game fell into obscurity at one point, due to not having the "it" factor. Well, I agree AND disagree with that, as the game is actually funny... if you can get far enough through it. And chances are you won't make it through the second level, unless you are VERY, VERY good with your reflexes.

Otherwise, I pity the fool (sorry, I had to say that).

Anyway, time for categorization.

Graphics: Great graphics for sure, they made good use of the Genesis's (or SNES's) capabilities. Animation is smooth, and there's no slowdown. I'll give graphics a 10/10.

Sound: Another good one, the music is often ironic (for example, the elevator music in the "firey heck" level), and also has no problems. I'll say 8/10.

Story: Well, I feel sorrowful, but this is another "save-the-princess" storyline, but is very funny. Let's see what I can remember (a-hem):

In a galaxy far, far, away...

Professor Monkey-for-a-Head creates a super-ultra-powerful-suit-thing, and it is to be given to Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed Slug-for-a-Butt. But then some other thing called Psy-Crow tries to steal it, and the suit falls down to Planet Earth and lands on a normal earthworm named Jim (no, not THAT Jim). The now-intelligent earthworm goes out to stop old (insert queen's name here), and save Princess What's-Her-Name.

Yeah, I'm sure that' probably the stupidest story for a video game you've ever heard (yes, that really was the story; if you don't believe me, go look on Wikipedia, because I probably messed up the story), but you have to give credit to the makers of the game for the creativity!!! Story gets: 8/10.

Gameplay: Let me put it this way: It is SO funny, but SO hard. If only the laughs were abundant enough to outdo the frustration...

Okay, so you go around controlling the suit and shooting your ray gun and using your head as a whip. Sound easy? Well, the levels are very hard, as are most of the bosses. You really need the major skills to beat them. But if you do, the game can be very entertaining. For that, I'll abandon my opinion and give the gameplay a: 9/10.

Controls: Um, fine. 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

10+8+8+9+10= 45. 45/5= 9/10.

Verdict: Like difficult yet funny games? Definitely get this one.

Review #11: Wacky Races

Ah, another game based off a cartoon. As you may already know, and from last Sunday's review, games based off of cartoons or movies are usually crap. This game is no exception.

Did you ever watch the cartoon? Well, if you never did, I'll tell you now: I thought it was HILARIOUS. That's what makes the game even worse. They couldn't have taken a BAD cartoon and made a crappy game out of it, right? Then again, there's a few of those games, too...

Categorization time!!!:

Graphics: They're fine, I guess. Not great but okay. The big problem is that Muttley doesn't even look halfway like his tv counterpart. Well, maybe halfway, but THAT'S ALL! Graphics get: 7/10.

Sound: Darn, I'm slacking in this department a lot...

Story: Good enough. Muttley and Dastardly are these cheaters that try to win in the Wacky Races, but always finish dead last to the other racers. You are sent out to get the parts of the car that got scattered, but the other racers won't let you go without a fight! Story gets: 7/10.

Gameplay: You won't believe this, but this isn't a racing game. It's a platformer (I know, aren't you getting sick of these?). Therefore, we already have that problem. But another is that you only have one attack as Muttley, and that is to chomp or bark. This may not seem like a problem until you get to the boss fight, where you battle another racer. Any one of these are huge, have a gazillion unavoidable attacks, and will beat you down in a heartbeat. Totally unfair, huh? Oh, and remember, Wacky RACES is a PLATFORMER! Gameplay gets: 3/10.

Controls: Well, you can't really mess up this category too badly, and Atlus (the company who made the game) did a pretty decent job. They get: 8/10.

FINAL SCORE:

7+7+3+8= 25. 25/4= 6.25/10.

But in favor of the crappy gameplay, which is really the important part, it gets:

3/10.

Verdict: Don't bother.

Review #10: Guitar Hero III - Legends of Rock

Wow, it's my 10th review! Sure, it won't seem like much later (on my 50th review), but this moment will go down in RGR history. But for now, my 10th-reviewed game: GUITAR HERO III!

This is really the third in a series of rhythm-based games, but it's the first released on the Wii console.

This game, of course, is meant to simulate playing the guitar. No, it won't TEACH you to play. In fact, playing the game has no similar feeling to actually playing a real guitar. But it's more fun anyway.

Now it's categorization time. ROCK ON!!!

Graphics: Not like it's that important, but the graphics are really good for a music-based game. They're in 3-D, with there being one of eight venues, or where your band is performing. Graphics get: 10/10.

Sound: Wow, hard to say. It pretty much depends on what song you're playing. Sound gets: 10/10 (I like most of the songs)

Story: Music-based games don't have a story most of the time, but this one actually does. Basically you're a garage band that gets signed on to do this tour around the world, but the person who gave you the contract is pretty mysterious. In fact, he kinda looks like the...

Nah, I'll just let you see for yourself. The story is explained in cutscenes after completing a "gig" (set of songs). Anyway, since this is new for the genre, I'll give the story a: 7/10.

Gameplay: This is one of the few games on the wii (if not the only) where you don't use the motion sensor on the wiimote. You instead put the wiimote into this guitar-shaped controller, and play away. The controller has a strum bar down in the body, and there's 5 frets on the neck. You get the neck up on screen, with 5 fret marks at the bottom. Notes, which look like little buttons, come rolling down towards you as if on a conveyor belt, and you have to hit these when they reach the fret marks. The notes are of the same color as the frets. You must hit the notes when they get to the fret mark. You do this by holding down that fret, then strumming the strum bar when the note gets to the fret. You do this throughout the whole song. It sounds difficult, and it may be at first, but it becomes second nature soon enough. There's a bunch of songs you can choose from, and you can either play in career mode, unlocking more songs to play in Quickplay, which is where you can just play songs. Gameplay gets: 10/10.

Controls: One word: unique. Controls get: 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

10+10+7+10+10= 47. 47/5= 9.4/10.

Verdict: PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY...!

Review #9: Spongebob - Legend of the Lost Spatula

Spongebob has become one of the most popular shows ever, even though it's pretty much going down the drain (ever since the start of season 4). Yeah, I know you think I'm a "no ifs, ands, or buts" spongebob fan, but trust me, I only watch older episodes, and the new ones SUCK.

This game was released during season 2, back when it was still good. I got the game as a birthday present a while back, and played it for a while. Because of my lack of common since, I never beat any of the bosses or levels, or beat the game.

You know how I talked about difficulty problems (i.e.: Battletoads, Mega Man...) in earlier reviews. Well, this game suffers from difficulty issues as well, but not in the same way those other games do...

You see, LOTLS is too easy. Once you know how to play, AND have common since, it's finished in 10-15 minutes. Yeah, this is probably not worth the 25 bucks you would spend on such a GBC game, but for me at the time I got it, I COULD NOT BEAT IT!!!

Anyway, enough of my ramblings, time for categorization:

Graphics: Wow. It's hard to believe how they designed the graphics here. It's like a bunch of 10-year-olds did it or something! Some characters, like Patrick and Squidward, are pretty well done, but others like Spongebob (the MAIN character you're controlling) and Sandy are pretty badly drawn. Okay, well the character design isn't that good, but the background and foreground graphics are okay. Not very detailed, but okay. Graphics get: 6/10.

Sound: Hmm, the music is pretty good, if not a bit simple. Some of the songs can get stuck in my head. The biggest problem is the GBC's sound quality. Sound gets: 7/10.

Story: This is pretty good for a cartoon-based game. Spongebob's riding his bike, when he comes across this odd-looking statue that resembles a sponge fry cook holding a spatula, standing on a stove. The four knobs in the stove are missing, too. He goes and tells Mr. Krabs, who tells him that it's the entrance to the Dutchman's Underworld (duh-duh-duhhhhh)! He says that a golden spatula is down there, and it's being guarded by the Flying Dutchman himself. Spongebob then proceeds to go find a map, giving him the ability to look throughout various stages to find the oven knobs needed to open the gateway. When he does, well...

Story gets: 9/10

Gameplay: WARNING: WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS.

Well, it's pretty much a platformer. You start at Sponge's house and walk towards Goo Lagoon, where you go up, up, up, and take an anchor down to a big chest where you'll get a map, letting you go off to now-open stages and find oven knobs. Of course, not without taking down a boss. 3 of the four knobs are guarded, and the boss is defeated to get the knob. There are a few "weapons" you can use: a bubble wand (the primary weapon), a jellyfishing net, and a net launcher, all of which have a purpose at some point. The characters will often ask you to find something in a level (Patrick wants his shorts back from the Carnival, Squidward wants some Jellyfish Jelly from Jellyfish Fields, etc.), but the missions are pointless. Finally, after getting all four knobs, you go down to the final two stages: Rock Bottom (what's THIS doing here?) and the Dutchman's Underworld. I won't give away the ending, although it's obvious enough already, right? Oh, and Spongebob has a lousy jumping ability, only able to make a huge leap in the air.

Like I said before, too, the game is very easy, and can be beaten quickly. But if you happen to lose along the way, here's how it happens: you start with a regular pair of pants. Get hit, you just have underwear. Get hit again, you're nude, and you have to start from the checkpoint. Nice, huh?

Overall, gameplay gets: 6/10.

Control: I explained earlier how bad Sponge's jumping is. That's all I can say about controls. They get: 5/10.

FINAL SCORE:

6+7+9+6+5= 6.6/10.

Verdict: Rent it, unless you can buy it for less than $5.

Review #8: Dr. Mario

No, not Dr. Mario Online RX for Wii, the original NES game.

This game will look pretty dated compared to the snazzed out RX, but considering it's from almost 20 years ago, it's no surprise.

Even with the 8-bit graphics, it shouldn't be hard to find yourself at home with the gameplay (all who don't have Online RX or this game, check out this section below).

Okay, a bit early, yes, but it's categorization time...

Graphics: Like I said, they're dated, but not bad for 1990. The colors are kinda grainy, the viruses don't look as totally awesome as in RX, but at the time where RX didn't even exist yet, this worked.

Graphics get: 8/10.

Sound: Well, take RX, remove the "Cough" and "Sneeze" tracks, and you pretty much have the music selection. But don't get me wrong, I like "Cough" and "Sneeze", but "Fever" and "Chill" will never be beaten by ANY puzzle game music, period. Both tunes are sure to get stuck in your head, as well as the title screen music, settings screen music, cutscene music, etc. Sound gets: 10/10

Story: It's Mario in a doctor costume destroying viruses by tossing multi-colored pills into a giant bottle with them. Since a puzzle game doesn't really need a story, I'm gonna skip this category.

Gameplay: Remember Tetris? Well, this is sorta like that game, but you now have enemies already in the field. You have to drop pill-shaped blocks, with two sections that can be different or of the same color (the colors used are red, yellow, and blue). There are 3 colors of viruses as well, and you must line up four half-pills of the same color for them to disappear. If a virus substitutes for a half-pill in a line of 4, it gets destroyed. Your goal is to get rid of all the viruses on screen. Sound simple? Well, when you get to 80 viruses (the highest level), things get ugly.

Overall, I'd say 9/10.

Controls: D-Pad: move pill. A: rotates pill clockwise. B: Rotates pill not-clockwise. Easy as pie, and it seems like there can't be any flaws for such simple controls. This category gets: 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

(8+10+9+10)/4= 10/10 (rounded up for good measure).

Verdict: Well, if you can't find the NES version (since it's long out of print), get DM Online RX to experience the genius gameplay with even better graphics.

Review #7: Mega Man II

Okay, considering I reviewed the series-starter yesterday, I thought I would just review it's brilliant sequel today. Yes, I said brilliant.

So how is this game so much better than it's average predecessor? Well, for starters, they actually did a decent job on the box art this time around, with more relevant drawings.

Mega Man II is not a huge leap in the series, but it's still named one of the best games of the franchise, and the only one I'll play anymore. It's not as difficult, and even besides that, it's more FUN.

Well, let's start categorizing:

Graphics: Remember the boring blue background in MM1? Well, it's given way to much more detailed backgrounds, ranging from a factory, to sky, to woods, as seen in the picture on the right. The foreground graphics are only slightly improved from the first, though, but as long as the fg and bg graphics don't clash, it's all good. Graphics get: 9/10

Sound: Ooooooooh, great music. I've had Crash Man's theme stuck in my head since the last time I played this. All the other music is good too. Sound FX are pretty much what you'd expect, but they get the job done. Sound gets: 9/10

Story: Probably the only thing MM1 has over MM2. See, after being defeated, Wily went and built 8 robots that were made for combat, and sent them out to terrorize. You, Mega Man, have to go and take down those 8 robots and then Wily for a second time. So, compared to the first, it's not that great. Bummer. Story gets: 6/10

Gameplay: Nice work, Capcom, you kept everything the same for the most part. Yep, Mega Man runs, shoots, and gains other robot's weapons. But there's a couple of differences:

1. There are no longer 6 robots, instead, there are 8.





2. The score system (which I never mentioned in yesterday's review) is gone.





3. Every weapon has more than a couple uses in the game.

And the weapons and bosses are cool this time. FireMan is with the cooler-looking Heat Man, CutMan is replaced with the speedy Quick Man, and BombMan is replaced with the fierce Crash Man. So, all in all, bosses are very much improved.

Oh, and Dr. Wily bosses/stages are pretty cool as well, much better and more forgiving than the ones in the first installment, by the way.

A great new addition is the E-Tank, an item that will completely refill your HP. This comes in handy when you get totally pounded by a level and don't have enough energy to face the boss.

One thing that makes the game really easy, though, are the metal blade weapon. Taken after beating Metal Man (lower left), these are totally a godsend. Seriously, almost every enemy is beatable with these, with only one or two bosses invincible, but those guys are already a pushover as it is. Anyways, the metal blades are so usable that using them constantly can be considered cheating. But not on the higher difficulty level.

Oh, about that. There are now two difficulties you can play the game on: Normal and Difficult. In the Japanese release, "Difficult" was the normal, harder playing level, with stronger bosses and enemies. "Normal" is much easier, and if you're not up for the toughness, this is for you.

Finally, there are 3 special items you can get from beating 3 of the 8 robot master stages. Item 1 lets you create three rising platforms to get up to somewhere, and is collected in Heat Man's stage. Item 2, found after beating Air Man, is a hoverboard that will only go in ONE direction, but helps a lot to cross large gaps. The item is famous with helping in Heat Man's stage, which contains this painful part with a bunch of disappearing and reappearing block platforms, which have this totally random pattern in appearing. You can use item 2 to skip the whole thing and go after the hothead himself. But a lot of people complained that Air Man was too hard to beat, and it grew to be such a big thing that a group in Japan wrote a song about it, translated to "I Can't Beat Airman", which can be heard here.

Overall, gameplay gets a well-deserved: 9/10

Controls: Mega Man will shoot and run without any problems. This category gets a: 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

9+9+6+9+10= 43. 43/5= 8.6/10

Verdict: Play it whenever you get the chance.

Review #6: Mega Man

The Mega Man franchise is quite possibly the largest video game franchise ever, outdoing Mario and possibly Sonic. Hard to believe it was all started by a simple NES platformer (yes, I know this is the sixth of the type that I've reviewed) back in 1987.

Mega Man is in no way a Mario clone. In fact, MM and Mario are two totally different things, as you'll find in this review. Anyway, let's start this bike shop, Orville!

...

Good grief, did I really just say that?

Graphics: Well, they're not as good as they would be later on in the series, but this is great, considering Kid Klown was made in 1993, and the graphics here are almost better than those in that game. Although I will say I'm not a big fan of the simplistic backgrounds, it's a start. Graphics get: 7/10

Sound: Pretty good, actually. None of the music is really headache-inducing, unless you were dumb enough to turn the volume up all the way, but why would you do that! THIS ISN'T LISTENING TO THE RADIO IN THE CAR, DUDE!!!

Okay, sorry, got off subject there. Anyway, simple, forgettable tunes, but it's better than nothing. Sound gets: 5/10.

Story: Remember when I said that today would feature a game with a different storyline? Well, here goes:

In the year of 200X, or something like that, Dr. Thomas Light, or something like that, worked with colleague Dr. Albert Wily, or something li... to create 7 robots with their own unique powers, or...

But then Dr. Wily turned on Light and turned 6 of the seven robots evil. The one robot that wasn't was a regular housecleaning robot. Light reprogrammed him, added an arm cannon on, and there was MEGA MAN, fighting to stop the evil Wily!!!

...or something like that.

Overall, very original. Story gets: 10/10.

Gameplay: Just because this game is a 2-d platformer doesn't mean it's a Mario rip-off. Here are some things that set old robot-boy apart from plumber-man:

• Mega Man has an arm cannon that shoots lasers instead of fireballs.




• The stages are all futuristic themed.




• You can choose which level to go through/boss to fight.

That last one really sets MM apart from the Mario series. You actually start at a select screen and get to choose out of six "robot masters". This non-linear gameplay makes for a pretty fun gaming experience.

Well, kinda fun, anyway. Once again, this game suffers from difficulty. There are some parts of the game that will probably take at least 3 game overs to get through and beat the boss. Not only that, but even though you don't have to go from level to level with no options, the levels themselves are pretty linear. You may get to a point in the level where you think "Hey, didn't I do this already?".

Oh, and if you beat a robot master, you recieve it's special ability for your own use. Some are utterly useless (like a weapon that you can throw rocks with, but it's rarely used), while others come in handy a lot (like the cut blade or hyper bombs). When all six masters fall, you get to enter Dr. Wily's fortress and face the toughest levels you could ever imagine. Brrrrrrrr...

Anyway, another game that may give you controller-breaking syndrome, but that was 1987 in gaming. Gameplay gets: 7/10.

Controls: Not too shabby, except in IceMan's stage where you have terrible traction. This stage could frustrate the (insert usable word here) out of you. Controls get: 6/10.

FINAL SCORE:

7+5+10+7+6=35. 35/5= 7/10

Verdict: It's good, but I'll take the sequel, Mega Man II, over this one.

Review #5: Kid Klown in Night Mayor Land

All right, once again, I'm not sure whether any of you have heard of this one. If not, well, let me enlighten you.

"Kid Klown in Night Mayor Land" is yet ANOTHER 2-d platform game. But it's a pretty good Mario clone (yes, WAY better than the one I reviewed on Monday), and it features a clown and balloons. What's not to like?

First, look at the cover. Pretty creepy looking kid, eh? Also, the first thought to come to your head won't be "OMG I GOTTA HAVE THIS GAME!!!". In fact, you'll probably think: "WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS?!!"

Well, rest assured, it's not one of the best games ever, but it doesn't suck too bad. It's quite frustrating at times, but we can't avoid that, can we???

All right, categorization time...

Graphics: Hmm... they're good! Better than SMB1's, and almost better than Battletoads. I'll give them a reasonable 7/10.

Sound: Hmm, once again I'm slacking off here. Well...

Story: Okay, you're probably wondering how many times we're gonna hear a variation of the "save the princess" story. Well, my friends, it won't be long; in fact, starting tomorrow, I'll review a game with a different kind of storyline. But for today, (sigh) one more time. See, the Klown family is waiting to go to their next show location. But then this magician named "Night Mayor" shows up and asks

him if he'll help him open a treasure vault. Kid knows of Night Mayor's ways, and says no. Deciding to go a step further, he kidnaps his family and enters some portal to another dimension. He follows him in, and goes on some long adventure to get his family back. So, yeah, pretty much the same comment I Ieft on reviews 3 and 4. Story gets: 8/10.

Gameplay: Run to the right to get to the end of the level, like most platformers. But one big difference is that you attack with balloons. These also help you float or jump higher. Bosses are pretty decent, except a couple seem underdeveloped, one being the cyclops in the image above. Really, some bosses just don't move for the most part, even the final boss! Like most games of the era, it's pretty frustrating. Oh, and there's a end-of-level mini-game for every stage (except the final one). You throw tomatoes or something at items rolling by in front of you. Gameplay gets a: 8/10

Controls: I don't think I remember any control problems here. Controls get: 10/10

FINAL SCORE:

7+8+8+10=33. 33/4= 8.3/10

Verdict: Give it a shot. You'll probably like it.

Review #4: Battletoads

Ah, another NES game. By the cover, you may think this game could be totally awesome and fun. Well, it COULD be, but there's just a slight problem: difficulty.

Seriously, this is an extremely hard game. I almost can't even describe how tough it is. Well, I guess the proper word would be UNFAIR.

Anyway, the whole concept sorta follows the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", except they're toads. Huge, strong, muscular toads.

I can't think of anything else to say for this introduction, so let's get into categorization...

Graphics: For the NES, these are some of the best graphics I've seen. The levels have a 3-D look to them, which is something big for the 8-bit era of gaming. Overall, graphics get a: 9/10.

Sound: Hard to say, I never listened to the music on this game. Guess I'll skip this category for once...

Story: Let's see... there's these three muscular toads, under the command of some bird-guy, and one is "crusin'" with some female toad. The two of them are kidnapped by the Dark Queen. The other two have to go after them. The names? Well, I don't remember the female's name, but the three toads are named: Zitz, Rash, and Pimple. Lovely, eh? Oh, and it just occured to me that every game so far on this list has had the SAME SAVE-THE-PRINCESS STORYLINE!!! But, once again, this puts a pretty nice twist on the usual Mario story, so I'll give it a: 7/10.

Gameplay: It's a sidescolling beat-em'-up. Since I am such a huge sidescroller fan, this seemed like the coolest game ever. But, like I said in the introduction, this game is so challenging it'll BLOW... YOUR... MIND! See, you get to pick up weapons that are lying around, and hit enemies with them. This would be much better if the enemies had a halfway-decent attack pattern. But instead they often go all random on you and kill you before you can even say "DUUUUDE!". Oh, and the best part? With 12 insanely hard areas (for the record, I've only made it to level 2, and I was lucky that time), you get only TWO continues. When you get a game over, you have the Dark Queen in your face degrading you. This PLUS the fact that you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN is a nightmare. Gameplay, sadly, gets: 4/10

Controls: Very good controls. Never had any sliding or anything like that during the whole 15 minutes I played the game. Controls get: 10/10.

FINAL SCORE:

9+7+4+10=30. 30/4= 7.5/10

But without the average method, I'd give this game a:

4/10

Verdict: Really, if you like games that'll make you break the controller repeatedly, play it. Otherwise, stay away from it, for your sanity's sake.

Review #3: Super Chick Sisters

My third review is on an online flash game, and while I usually won't do this, this game is so truly crazy I have to put it up. See that screenshot to the left of this paragraph? Look FAMILIAR? I thought so...



For those of you who don't, allow me to point out two BIG similarities. First of all, that logo for the game TOTALLY rips off the New Super Mario Bros. logo. And if you didn't already notice the "sisters", they're wearing hats, one red, one green. And that's just the tip of the iceberg right there.

One more thing you'll see on the title screen is the fact that the logo reads "PETA's Super Chick Sisters". You know, PETA, the overprotective animal association that is against all animal abuse? Now that's not such a bad thing, considering some house pets are beaten senseless by their owners, and that needs to stop. But PETA also seems to work their way into criticizing fast food restaurants, like McDonald's, Burger King, etc. Now their target is KFC, the famous fried chicken restaurant chain. Apparently, there's a bunch of urban legends going around saying that they drug up their chickens before boiling them in oil, and other crap like that. They even have a website on it, which you can find here.

But they didn't stop there, no sirree. No, PETA actually went as far as ripping off a universally-popular game to get their message across. The result: Super Chick Sisters.

This has to be one of the most biased games I've ever played. It's loaded with propaganda, features some pretty graphic images (such as a bucket of chicken soaked in blood), and, worst of all, destroys Mario.

See, it's bad enough ripping off a famous character, Nintendo's mascot, but they also include HIM in a separate storyline (see story section). Anyway, now that I've gone through the introduction, let's get into the categorizing:

Graphics: Hmm, the graphics are okay, I guess. All the ORIGINAL characters look fine. But the MARIO characters look pretty dumb, particularly Mario and Luigi. Also, there's blood splattered on the walls, ceiling, and floor in some levels, as well as a giant bucket of blood-soaked chicken outside a KFC building. Not exactly appropriate for a game that looks like it's designed for kids, huh? Graphics get: 6/10 (and they're the only high point of the game).

Sound: Man, I can't believe how bland the music is in this game! It's hard to listen to, really. And with the cutscenes, they have some wimpy music for Mario (nice, PETA, nice). And they rip off a bunch of sound FX from Mario, too. Sound gets: 3/10

Story: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the story. Okay, so the main plot is that Pamela Anderson, a spokeswoman for PETA, is kidnapped when trying to tell everyone that KFC is being cruel to chickens. The Mario Bros. are out to save the day... except they were playing Wii for too long and got "Wii-itis" (so you're gonna keep bashing Nintendo, PETA?). So two chicks named Nugget and Chickette go save her.

All right, WTC?!! "Uh, yeah, we're gonna go save this spokeswoman who was trying to reveal the horrible truth behind KFC and EVIL Colonel Sanders." Sanders, believe it or not, is the main villain who kidnapped Pam.

Okay, so along with that crappy storyline, PETA seemed to think they hadn't made Mario look bad enough yet, so they keep going: Mario is treated by Dr. Mario, then goes out to save Pam. Along the way, he gets beaten up by protesters for stomping on "cute little koopas". Then he asks a robot thing with Colonel Sanders' head on top if he seen Pam, holding up a picture of her. Then the princess walks in, and sees the picture, and slaps him. Yeah, don't bother asking why he's holding the picture, just ASSUME that he's cheating on you and slap the already-beaten plumber.

Oh, and to finish it all off, Mario finds Yoshi, and is relieved. But when he orders him to saddle up, Yoshi turns on him and says that his friends (the protestors that beat the snot out of Mario earlier) told him he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Okay, so really, two things I can conclude are:

a. Mario "gets it" three times in a row!

b. SOMEBODY KILL THOSE PROTESTERS!

I won't give away the ending, but it's totally lame.

Story gets: 1/10 (Next time, PETA, leave Mario out of this)

Gameplay: It's Mario, what more can I say? Well, there's also a few tweaks. Only one enemy throughout the entire game, and it's those Colonel Sander-Spider Robots. Tofu is used instead of a mushroom to grow, and you collect baby chicks instead of coins. (sigh) Plus the game is pretty short, at only five levels. Gameplay gets: 4/10

Controls: Control is pretty frustrating, but not as bad as it could be. They get: 5/10

Now for the final score:

6+3+1+4+5=19. 19/5=

3.8/10

Verdict: Play this game so you can see how awful it is, and if you have nothing better to do.

Review #2: Bonk's Adventure

Okay, now that I've reviewed SMB1, it's time to move on into the great unknown. To get things started, here's a game you may or may not have heard of: Bonk's Adventure.

This game was released on the lesser-known TurboGrafx-16 console back when SMB3 was new. The game was also ported to the NES later on. I'm reviewing the TG-16 one here.

Okay, so check out the cover for one. It's some caveman with a huge head bashing through a wall. It's not hard to guess that this must be Bonk, whom the game is named after.

All right, I'm starting to get a little slow here, so let's move on to the categorizing section...

Graphics: So you thought Nintendo was always the best vg company, always getting to something first? Well, it looks like NEC, the creators of the TG-16, made it to the 16-bit era first! The graphics are pretty neat for 1990, and I think they still get the job done. Whether it's the inside of a dinosaur (you gotta see this part), or swimming through a frozen lake, the graphics are still good. This category gets a: 9/10

Sound: While not as good as the Mario series, this game has some pretty good tunes. The same music is often repeated a lot, but that's nothing new, is it? Sound gets: 9/10

Story: Not unlike the Mario series, Bonk revolves around saving a princess. This big ugly green dinosaur named King Drool comes and kidnaps her, Princess Za of Moonland, and brainwashed four Moonland residents, sending them down to Earth to keep you from progressing. Well, you gotta give it credit for adding more to the typical "save-the-princess" plot. Story gets: 7/10

Gameplay: Well, it's a 2-D platformer, but this one is different from Mario or Sonic. See, in this game, you use your head. No, really, you USE YOUR HEAD. Bonk is aptly named for his attack, which is bonking enemies with his huge, invincible cranium. If this isn't a great concept for a game, I don't know what is.

You'll fight all sorts of baddies, and, as expected, each round (level) ends with a battle against a big dinosaur thing. My favorite of the bosses is one that has boxing gloves on, and fires them at you. Probably the coolest part is going up to the moon for the final fight. Gameplay gets: 8/10

Controls: Great. Well, there's a bit of slowness, as Bonk can't dash (then again, could you run fast with that huge head?). For this, I give controls: 9/10

Now for the FINAL SCORE!!!:

9+9+7+8+9=42. 42/5= 8.4/10.

Verdict: Good game. Try it out sometime.

See you next time!

Review #1: Super Mario Bros. 1

Yay, it's my first review!

















Anyway, I figured it would probably make the most sense to review such a game to kick off a long series of reviews. Here goes...












Okay, as you know, Nintendo's NES pretty much revived the concept of home video game consoles, after it crashed back in 1983 ("E.T., the video game", anyone?). Bundled with it, the start of a legendary game series. Yep, hard to believe, but every Mario platformer known to man was connected back to this one.

So, it was pretty huge back in 1985, and started a new genre of gaming. But even for such a hugely-popular game, it seems kinda average to me. Why? Well, I'll sort everything into categories:

Graphics: For the time, awesome. Sure, they don't hold a candle to today's graphics, but let's remember that this followed the Atari 2600 console, and you may remember the graphics on that thing. The platforms and most enemies are actually pretty well detailed. I'll rate the graphics according to the graphics standards of a particular year. For 1985: 9/10... For 2008: 4/10.

Sound: Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the past 20-something years, you at least know one track from this game. Especially that main overworld theme. You'll have the music stuck in your head after playing it. In fact, it's so catchy I'll completely drop the whole "good-for-it's-time" attitude here. This is STILL good. Sound gets: 8/10.

Story: Note: This was added after I posted this review. Sorry I forgot it! The tried-and-true storyline of all Mario platformers: save Princess Toadstool from the big lizard-turtle thing. Nothing more to say here. Story gets: 7/10

Gameplay: This was pretty much as innovative as it could get back in- well, you know. It featured goombas, koopas, lakitus, hammer brothers, spinies, buzzy beetles, and whatever else. You could stomp on most of the enemies, a few you couldn't. Yep, the good old days. Oh, and let's not forget the boss battle with King Koopa (who would become Bowser later on) on the bridge over lava. You simply had to get past the big lummox, touch the axe, and he was toast.

Gameplay gets a 7/10.

Controls: Just for the record, this is the only thing I actually dislike about this game. The controls in this game are kinda loose sometimes. Controls get: 6/10.

Okay, I think that pretty much sums it up. Okay, time to give my final grade (note that I'm using the 1985 rating for the graphics)...

9+8+7+7+6=33. 33/5= 7.4/10.

Darn controls lowering the rating. Well, that's it for this review. Come back soon for the next one!

I HAVE ANOTHER BLOG!!!

I've kinda had not much to write about back on "Beyond Rodney and Jim", so I decided to start something new: a game review blog!

No current events on this one, check out BRJ for that, this is gonna be ALL game reviews. I've really been wanting to put my opinions of various games up for a long, long, long, LONG time, so don't expect too many hold-ups: I've got a lot of games to review here!

Anyway, I'll get to reviewing ASAP. For now, stay tuned!